change from mutiple sources

the army changed me, that did not come from an aha moment. it was not a book that i read or some preacher or scripture. that change did not come from within. my dad passing, that changed me again not from with in. i think, as a person who's brain will not stop thinking, that we that are not satisfied with our lives as they are, are looking for a book, a message a new philisophical approach some esoteric beem of light that changes us. i quess it can happen that way, but not for most of us. its just hard work, everyday doing different to be different. we are creatures of habit, we are what we do, so if the creature is to change the doing has to change. and i believe the outside has more impact on the inside than the other way around.

my changes i must make.
clean my house at a routine time, everyday
prepare for the next day.
get up an hour earlier daily

thats enough change for a day.lol

here it is a year later

have i changed in this year, i really don't believe, or its been a little negative. maybe i'll start going to church this year, but i want to change not be changed. hmm.
i have become somewhat unconsience in the past year. i have no routine, i don't even prepare for the next day. what the hell. i must get out of this rut.

four months later

here it is 2010 and change has occured but some good and some bad. back in august i was riding my bike, well it is to cold now, i've joined a gym, the three times a week, i need to get some vitamins. supposed to go and test drive a subaru today, i drive a little festiva, do i want to change to the subaru, will it make me feel and do different. no, emphatically no, the car will not make me different any more than a squirl would change a tree, or the rain would make a maple into an oak. change must come from a internal, nontangeable place. X*y= change, maybe. x being effort and y being time. this is correct. if x is a constant and y is a constantly changing varible then what we have is negative change. becoming fanatical about our role, x, is the only way we get what we want out of this life. so we have something to give.

todays x
go to the gym
put 20 dollars in savings
finish reading my cramer book.

the two areas i want to conquer is finance and my health.

i have changed before.

people do change, this is the truth. but most of the time they somehow shrink back to there former selves. change a lot of time is not sustainable or permanent. but the universe is constantly changing and we are part of that change. mostly like worker ants, the ant hill gets bigger but the worker ant doesn't know, realize, or even care. but we are not ants, the universe gave us dominion over all that is on earth, but we don't really even have dominion over our day. change is learning to have this dominion over our every moment, our every thought, every emotion and every action. every one. but we don't want to be that conscience. that takes to much work and is to much personal responsibility.

i started this blog with complete sincerity in finding answers to my question why we don't change. but i failed to remember that i have changed a great deal, i became pessimistic for a short time. I'm a very powerful being and so is everyone else, I'm not special, just willing to stay in the painful truth long enough till it isn't painful anymore. this is one part of a two part process to change.

Vision and pain, these are the two parts to change. you have to have very vivid vision, and a written vision in the form of a pliable plan.

pain and a willingness to stay in the pain long enough to build increase capacity.

we are always changing for the good or for the bad, if we don't have the willingness to endure any pain then our capacity is shrinking. so we move from the uncomfortable to what we believe is comfort, but that becomes uncomfortable is just a short while. until we no longer enjoy anything or anybody.

but if we learn to stay in what is supposed to be uncomfortable we expand. if we stay their consciencely and that place is a part of our goal. i.e. running, or writting, or just being a good parent.

books have been a very big part of change for me in the past. if we don't first increase our ability to have bigger visions, we can't change, and books have helped me with this eminscely.

homecoming, by bradshaw

feel the fear and do it anyway, author a female can't remember

the art of happiness, the dalai lama

acts

rich dads guide to investing, robert kiyosoki

real estate books, by tyler hicks

jim cramers, street addict

and i'm reading a great book on change currently,

the power of full engagement, by jim loehr and tony schwartz.

have you changed at all

are you any different than back then, do you still whish on the same star, do you still struggle with the same things as you did 5 10 20 yrs ago. is this because we move like ants to and fro with very little conscience input, just doing, not really thinking or we do the thinking and still end up with the same outcome. some of us need to lose the same wieght, finish the same degree, learn to love and not be so anxious. how can we be different than the way we are. is this asking a dog to meow or are we more than other animals and we do have the power to change and be what ever we want???

fluffy snuchums

yeah that was a friend of mines dog, fluffy snuchums . he had to be put down, the dog was blind, deaf, and couldn't move. I had been over this friend's house many times, this guy is older, about 55 and single with these two dogs. well one of them had to go, and boy it was ugly, to see this old, grey haired white guy have to put his best friend in the world down. it really was disturbing, we go through this life and all we really want is to be loved and have some security that the ones that love us don't screw us. well this guy had givin up on humans and found his comfort in his two dogs. I hope i don't ever go there, the pain this guy was going through, well i've seen people not morn to this degree about mothers and fathers passing on. maybe we can love animals more than people, well they don't talk back and they pretty much can't dissappoint you, so u don't expect much. So possibly you love them more. i don't know what this has to do with change but it sure was disturbing. rip fluffy snuchums

the anti

the anti or (anti to change) is like air, its all around us. we have dug are self so deep into the anti that everything feels normal, the t.v. we watch, our friends, our spouse's, our jobs or lack of, the car we drive, i believe almost all these things we put in our lives to cement us where we are as to not disturb the spot in life that our childhood told us to stand. this is somewhat disturbing for me. i don't like this spot, but i always end up here no matter how hard i try to move. so i believe in breaking up all the cement, just destroying everything and everyone around me so that i can move, only to pick up and move, to start pouring concrete to recreate my child hood. this sucks. full of some deep seeded internal misery, that lives in me illrespective of any outside circumstances. so i believe i will make a card and put it in my wallet with a list of how i want to feel and then try to feel that way. look at it three times a day to remind myself that if I'm feeling bad it has nothing to do with anything but the past, because if i blame it on the present i will set about the task of changing it all, only to find myself here again with different set characters in the same play.

if our brains develop most between the ages of 0-5yrs, then what happens if in that time period you where in the mist of a war, or being papered by a nanny, or watch by fricking crazed maniack. does that mean your brain is set in stone by the time your six and there is no changing, only questions and self defeating or self affirming behavior, depending on where you were at 0-5. i hate this cause the older i get and the more i people watch the more despair i have about our real ability to change.

maybe i won't trust my brain, maybe i'll start doing all my thinking on paper and then ask jeeves before a make any real decisions, that won't work, jeeves was watch by that frickin maniack from 0-5.