the anti

the anti or (anti to change) is like air, its all around us. we have dug are self so deep into the anti that everything feels normal, the t.v. we watch, our friends, our spouse's, our jobs or lack of, the car we drive, i believe almost all these things we put in our lives to cement us where we are as to not disturb the spot in life that our childhood told us to stand. this is somewhat disturbing for me. i don't like this spot, but i always end up here no matter how hard i try to move. so i believe in breaking up all the cement, just destroying everything and everyone around me so that i can move, only to pick up and move, to start pouring concrete to recreate my child hood. this sucks. full of some deep seeded internal misery, that lives in me illrespective of any outside circumstances. so i believe i will make a card and put it in my wallet with a list of how i want to feel and then try to feel that way. look at it three times a day to remind myself that if I'm feeling bad it has nothing to do with anything but the past, because if i blame it on the present i will set about the task of changing it all, only to find myself here again with different set characters in the same play.

if our brains develop most between the ages of 0-5yrs, then what happens if in that time period you where in the mist of a war, or being papered by a nanny, or watch by fricking crazed maniack. does that mean your brain is set in stone by the time your six and there is no changing, only questions and self defeating or self affirming behavior, depending on where you were at 0-5. i hate this cause the older i get and the more i people watch the more despair i have about our real ability to change.

maybe i won't trust my brain, maybe i'll start doing all my thinking on paper and then ask jeeves before a make any real decisions, that won't work, jeeves was watch by that frickin maniack from 0-5.